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Probably the most obvious form of family ride, however, would be the dark ride. Even this, however, is very easy to get wrong. As fabulous as it undoubtedly is, the unashamedly dark nature of Alton Towers’ Hex it would always be risky to put young children through something quite so sinister, making it a rare example of a supposed family ride that is actually more suited to adults.

Similarly, Blackpool Pleasure Beach’s Magic Mountain is spectacular in that its attempts to present a cute and charming ride backfire so badly as to leave every single rider psychologically scarred for life. At least you leave Hex knowing that it was meant to be sinister. God only knows what Magic Mountain is meant to be, but in reality it simply comes across as an even more warped and terrifying version of Disney’s patented LSD simulator, It’s A Small World, and the kind of thing normally only found in the evil fairground from an episode of Scooby Doo. Honestly, I get the creeps just writing about it.  

Magic Mountain is many things... but it isn't good.

So, what does it take to build a dark ride that appeals to all? Look no further than Chessington’s magnificent Professor Burp’s Bubbleworks. The reasons for the prof’s success are legion, in that the theme is one that is neither childish nor sinister, and involves no storyline for riders to interpret or memorise. Instead, the whole thing is simply a glorious celebration of wonderfully abysmal and timeless jokes, all set to a backdrop that is colourful enough to appeal to children, but kitsch and camp enough to make adults realise that the ride has no intention of taking itself remotely seriously. The whole thing feels like a joyous pantomime, which children can enjoy on its most literal level, while adults revel in the ironic lunacy of it all.

Best of all, whereas a story-led ride like Hex is inherently not very re-ridable, you could ride the Bubbleworks all day long, and the sheer volume of jokes and other unsignposted touches means that you will always spot something you don’t remember seeing before. You get the impression that the designers of the Bubbleworks had a ball creating it, and this makes riding it all the more pleasurable.

For a more refined dark ride with no less appeal, it has to be Blackpool’s River Caves (possibly the first time the words “refined” and “Blackpool” have appeared in the same sentence). Like Bubbleworks, the River Caves demands nothing from the rider in terms of having to memorise or decode any form of storyline, and instead relies on creating a wonderfully ambient atmosphere, through the use of some surprisingly intricate scenes, and revealing something of the soul that makes the Pleasure Beach such a wonderful place. If the Bubbleworks is the perfect ride to put you into a manic mood, the River Caves does an equally brilliant job as a “chill-out” ride, something that is quite welcome given how frantic the Pleasure Beach atmosphere can get.

To demonstrate the supremacy of the Bubbleworks and River Caves, it is necessary to compare them with the least successful dark ride imaginable, and surprisingly it is Blackpool Pleasure Beach that offers two of the very worst. The first is the sheer trauma of the aforementioned Magic Mountain, a ride so twisted and evil that its designers deserve to be imprisoned, if only for their own protection. 

A popular ride, but is Valhalla a successful family ride?

As for the second, well, if Valhalla fails abysmally as a water ride, then it also has the indignity of being the worst dark ride too. Not only does the whole thing lack continuity, but the unrelenting seriousness and aggression makes the whole thing feel genuinely inhospitable. 

Any comparisons to Alton Towers' Hex show the subtle difference between something that is sinister and something that is simply unpleasant. More pointedly, the notorious unreliability of Valhalla’s various effects means that sections of the ride are often conducted in total darkness, whereas comparable  breakdowns on the River Caves or Bubbleworks do nothing to spoil the atmosphere or the jokes.

Probably the most annoying use of the term “family ride” comes when a park clearly builds nothing more than a kiddie ride, and advertises it as “family friendly” for no other reason than that the seats are big enough to seat adults. The fact that nobody could possibly want to ride it once they’re too old to believe in the tooth fairy seems to have no bearing on the matter. How a real family group is supposed to enjoy the likes of Toadie’s Crazy Cars at Chessington, for example, is a mystery, but didn’t stop the park using the f-word to promote it. 

Another odd example from the park “Where Families Come First” is Beanoland. I have nothing against the Beano, and indeed was a proud member of the Dennis the Menace Fan Club (perhaps I still am, as there was no expiry date on my membership card), and nor do I have anything against the park having a kiddie area, but Beanoland is neither one thing or the other. The theming is obviously intended solely for children, yet it has one of the best true family rides in the park, in Billy's Whizzers Wave Swinger. In other words, while Crazy Cars is a kiddie ride presented as a family attraction, the Wave Swinger is the precise opposite.  

Bland and sterile, Toadie's Crazy Cars has little for 'all the family'

The final type of supposed family ride is that where the term is used as a last resort, where no other marketing approach will work. In other words, the rides that were meant to be thrillers, but which get marketed as being for families simply because they turned out to be less thrilling than expected. No ride sums this up more than Alton Towers’ Air. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who looked at the model of Air in 2001 and looked forward to something thrilling. I certainly don’t recall anything telling me to expect anything else.

Yet, once the first passengers had ridden, things changed. Suddenly we were expected to believe that it was designed as a mellow ride, to be enjoyed by everyone, not just thrill-seekers. The fact that, to the untrained eye, the ride looks far more terrifying than Nemesis seemed not to matter.

A less famous example of this came with Big Ben, the Shot & Drop style tower ride touring the UK fairs. The Huss-made original is a perfectly good thrill ride, particularly when injected with the inimitable fairground razzamatazz, and pre-publicity for this Zamperla-built clone indicated that it would be just as good. But it wasn’t. In fact, it was awful. Again, though, that word “family” came to the rescue. In these cases, you can at least see the owners’ dilemma. If I had spent millions on a new ride, and found myself lumbered with a duffer, I imagine I’d do the same, but that doesn’t make it any easier for families to search out something that will really bring them together. Continues...