.
As if to rub salt into the wound, while opening times crept later, closing times became earlier, 4pm on some days, meaning that the magic was rather more ephemeral than the park’s slogan would have us believe. Would you feel you had had value-for-money if you had bought day tickets for you and your entire family to engross yourselves in “Britain’s Most Magical Experience”, only to find that you’d got a mere six hours to do it, and many rides would be closed for almost half of that time? When you consider how long it takes to walk between areas, and give yourself time for lunch, you’re left with very little time in which to get your money’s worth, and that’s before the final insult of being forced to pay £3 to leave the car park and begin your early trek home.

Ah yes, the notorious car park charge. What better symbol can there be of Alton Towers’ decline than that shiny little disc you need to leave the place? Some overseas readers may find it odd that the British object to this sort of thing, but it is part of the British manner that if you go somewhere to spend money with a particular company, it is not expected for that company to charge you for leaving your car on their premises whilst you do so.

A notorious work-in-progress version of the park’s 2002 website showed how the marketing department were struggling to justify the charge’s introduction, and it’s not difficult to see why. Parking charges are usually introduced to places as a means of persuading people to use public transport, which is a reasonable and intelligent thing to do. If, however, you have ever tried to plan a trip to Alton Towers by public transport, you will know that there really is little realistic choice other than to drive to the park and accept the parking charge.

To quote the old saying, “First impressions count, but last impressions are crucial”, and if your last memory of a theme park is of being charged for something to which you had no real alternative, what impression does that leave in the visitors’ minds as they begin the journey home? Surely the logical solution would be to find a site for a free park and ride scheme to the park, and only then charge for the luxury of on-site parking. This would no doubt be very popular amongst both the residents of Alton village, who would see an easing of their daily traffic nightmare, and the drivers who would be spared the horrors of inching along the narrow streets of Alton and the steep climbs through the valley. Taking a wider view, this might allow for longer opening hours, less hostility to planning applications, and possibly even the eradication of the need for the oft-delayed and highly controversial by-pass intended to take traffic away from the village.

Back to the rides, and recent additions have shown an attitude that new rides are there purely to persuade people to visit, and that there is therefore no need look after them once they arrive at the park. For the most remarkable example of this, let’s look at Air, probably the most controversial coaster ever built (“controversial” being a diplomatic euphemism for “anodyne”, “unreliable”, and “bloody boring”). Air was created in its own little area, theoretically part of Forbidden Valley, but effectively alone. Apart from the obligatory photo and souvenir shop to relieve punters of their cash, the area lacked any sort of facilities whatsoever. There are no support rides in the area to divert the crowds, very few places for people to sit while their friends ride, and even finding a toilet means trekking all the way across Forbidden Valley. Worse still, finding something for children to do while the adults are queuing involves an even greater hike, the nearest family ride being Duel, and the nearest children’s rides being over in Storybook Land. It’s this sort of inconvenience that means that, while people will visit to try a new ride, they’re less likely to make a second visit.

In fact, it is this lack of customer service that has been Alton Towers’ biggest single downfall. Quite simply, people do not enjoy spending a large amount of money to visit a theme park, only to spend much of the day being none-too-subtly treated as a second-class citizen. This sense of inferiority begins the instant you drive through the front gates, as a large sign alerts you to the wonders of the “priority” car park, an almost comically blatant attempt to screw a few more quid from you, and to make the majority of visitors feel miserly for subjecting their families to the indignity of the “cheap” car park. As it happens, those who do fancy the luxury of priority parking will be disappointed, as its only “advantage” is to remove the need to ride the Monorail, a ride that actually forms a terrific start to the day.

Once inside the park, it soon becomes clear that, because you only bought a day ticket, you are not really the object of the park’s attention. As you stand and wait your turn for any of the major rides, you can only watch as an array of hotel guests walk straight onto the ride. Nowhere is this more blatant than on Spinball Whizzer, where hotel guests are paraded under the noses of those in the queue as they walk unimpeded to their seats. As this is the park’s newest ride, it seems an ominous sign for the future, and I surely cannot have been the only one to wonder why, if the park is only interested in “Making the Magic Happen” for those who pay the most, should I bother coming back?

Now, I know there will be comments about this article to the effect that Alton Towers is a business and that it is only natural for the balance sheet to be the main consideration. To this I say yes, of course that’s true, but that doesn’t mean that it has to be so blatant about its true purpose. When I visit a park like Oakwood, I leave feeling that I’ve paid a reasonable price for a good day’s entertainment, and that the people there actually care about providing a good day out. When I leave Alton Towers, I simply feel that I’ve been exploited for every penny I had, and that nobody cares that I haven’t been able to enjoy the day as much as I should. For a company that is supposed to specialise in fantasy and escapism, Tussaud’s really ought to be capable of disguising their less palatable interests more successfully than they do. For now at least, the magic is in danger of coming to the most abrupt of ends.

It’s such a shame to write an article like this, as it wasn’t too long ago that Alton Towers looked to be on the up. Indeed, there are still things for which they deserve to be praised. Not only are Nemesis and Hex still outstanding rides, but the work that quietly goes into the upkeep of the gardens and the restoration of the towers is to be praised.  

It’s easy to criticise, but tougher to come up with solutions. Here then is my personal prescription for how Alton Towers can once more provide the top quality day out that it promises.

1. Free park and ride scheme from nearby area. No more traffic jams in the village and the valley. Good for drivers and residents alike.

2. Cheaper entrance-only tickets, with a wristband system for the rides. This would encourage the return of visitors who want to see the towers and the gardens, and who actually appreciate the work that goes into maintaining and restoring them. Think about it, we all have friends or relatives who would enjoy a day exploring the grounds, but who wouldn’t dream of paying the price of a current day ticket.

3. Respect the estate, and use it to your advantage. Keep the sense of reverence and dignity that makes Hex so superb, and don’t allow the rides to clash with the setting. Any park in the world could have built tack like Ug Land or Spinball Whizzer. No other park could have built Hex.

Dragon's Fury was eagerly awaited, and had an important role to play.

4. Abolish the more obvious money-grabbing ideas. Being unashamedly cajoled into opening our wallets every few minutes creates a bad impression, and makes people less likely to revisit.

5. Install high-quality high-capacity support rides. Rides like Air and Spinball Whizzer don’t pass muster when you’ve had to stand in two-hour queues to ride them. Shorten the queues and people will be more will find them enjoyable and want to return to the park in future to ride them again.

6. Treat people as equals. It’s extremely frustrating and demeaning to be in a slow moving queue, watching priority pass holders walking straight onto the ride, and this too makes them less likely to visit again.

While I am convinced that they would improve the public perception of Alton Towers, I’m all too aware that many of the ideas have a precisely 0% chance of being implemented. This is just my “magic wand” solution to the problems, but as I’m sure we all know, there’s no such things as magic, especially not in the Churnet Valley area.

Author: JP Saturday, January 01, 2005 | Post a Comment