Alton Towers
Staffordshire

Steeped in a rich history, Alton Towers remains as eminent as it was two hundred years ago. Of course, back in 1800 it was hardly the lucrative amusement park it is today but more a grand and ostentatious stately home surrounded in lush gardens deep in the Staffordshire countryside.

A sense of this former pageantry and grandeur is apparent upon entering the park, whereby behind an expansive lake is the spectacular, sizeable facade of the Towers themselves. Although the Towers have fallen deep into a state of disrepair, the gardens that the park is cleverly built around remain a spectacle exhibiting more shades of green than you even knew existed.

Up to 1980, the park was little more than a small fairground behind the Towers where Cred Street now runs behind. It was in 1980 that John Broome brought us the first double looping coaster in the UK – the Corkscrew, and back then it was subject to even more commotion than Nemesis and Oblivion are nowadays.

The Thunder Looper marked the last ride in John Broome’s legacy as he moved on to make way for Tussauds. It didn’t take long before Tussauds had made their mark on the park tentatively dipping their toes by installing the Runaway Mine Train and Haunted House, and then going the full hog by commissioning greats such as the awesome Nemesis and controversial Oblivion.

And to this day, the park continues to install creative and groundbreaking rides and attractions. This year, Alton Towers fill a gap with Air, a coaster that should adequately entertain thrill seekers, just without the whirlwind intensity of the classic Nemesis.

Full of tight turns, sharp dips and near collisions – and this is only the journey to the park itself. Don’t be fooled by the eminence of this park. Despite being the biggest, the best and the most popular, getting there is a charade. As the park grows, the transport infrastructure, being British, has a hard time keeping up.

The closest train station is Stoke-on-Trent which is hardly walking distance. The rest of the journey must be made by coach along the twisted roads that go through the village of Alton. Of course, participating in an XRT (Xtended Ride Time) which can be booked in advance would be rendered impossible should you opt to use the catastrophic public transport.

Although the initial run-up to the park has been drastically improved by cutting out the laborious ring roads of Derby in favour of the fast and straight dual-carriageway of the A50, the final 15 minutes will probably be spent behind a convoy of coaches slowing to around 10 miles-per-hour around each bend.

Americans find this ‘so English’. So English in that it is a transport infrastructure designed for the local postie and daily milk float, not the several thousand vehicles that mount the pavements and scrape the houses of Alton.

A bypass has been planned almost since the dawn of time and although Alton Towers seem happy for this to happen, the council aren’t.

And so through the gates that welcome you to the land where magic never ends. Apparently. A long and windy road takes you to the far-reaching mass of tarmac that forms the car park.

People in yellow jackets efficiently direct you across the field of tarmac into your space. Parking is a doddle and organised up to the standards of Disney.

Parking is no longer free. Should you not have booked tickets in advance or are not a season ticket holder, it will cost you £2 to get out in the evening. Token machines are littered around Towers Street and the Monorail station, so relieving you of £2 is done rather painlessly.

Making a mental note of where you are in this car park, you follow the stream of excited kids, bemused grand parents and stereotypical families to the Monorail station in the bottom left hand corner of the car park.

A short wait ensues before you board the futuristic Monorail train that will briefly introduce you to the park as you travel to the entrance to the park. It smoothly accelerates up to around 30 miles-per-hour as you pass over the car park and soon over the park itself.

In something no Disney travellator or tram can boast, the Monorail passes over the lair of Nemesis, over the plaza in front of the Haunted House, over the churning waters of the Congo River Rapids before you pass over Towers Street and turn 180-degrees into the Monorail station.

Once out into the open, a row of ticket booths welcome you. There are more than enough to keep queues down, and once you have got your ticket, one day, two days or other, you pass through the turnstiles into the parks’ Main Street equivalent, Towers Street.

Towers Street architecturally is probably the best entrance at a British theme park, but beyond the aesthetics, Towers Street offers very little with the main gift shop on the left and very little on the right.

Towers Street perfectly frames the magnificent Towers at the far end, reflecting elegantly in the lake in front.

A day out at Alton Towers should be planned with military precision. You must take into account the popularity of rides, how slow the queues are and how easy they are to get to.

Generally, the only way to enjoy the park at the moment is pre-book so you can enter the park early on a so-called XRT (Xclusive Ride Time). This should be spent on Air and nothing else. The ride is new, and therefore popular. Queues escalate beyond the limits of acceptability, too, due to the ride still breaking down at every given opportunity.

Other long queues can be found on the Black Hole due to the archaic loading system and the Runaway Mine Train, presumably because of its universal appeal.

Generally, Katanga Canyon and its rides are best avoided around lunchtime due to one of the parks two main restaurants being here and the popular rides here.

Make use of the Skyride so you can enjoy the contrasts of Alton Towers. The grounds of Alton Towers are beautiful with the large valley decorated by the artistic hands of Capability Brown. Also, for a fleeting glimpse into the history of the Towers themselves, enjoy Hex, a haunting and spectacular family ride.

Developed areas of the park look bleak and depressing at times. Gloomy themes make up many of the parks lands including Forbidden Valley, Gloomy Wood and X Sector. With such miserable themes, the park doesn’t seem to sparkle with the magic we’re so often reminded of.

Food at Alton Towers is middling at best. Burgers, chicken and pizza are about as outgoing as the park gets with regard to food. Restaurants, although well themed, are small and over crowded, excessively full of visitors saving tables for their friends.

Finding a table is something of an Olympic sport, and once seated, you feel cramped and like you’re in a rugby scrum with people continually pushing past you.

The park lacks a cheap but wholesome restaurant such as a Beefeater. I hate buying the same old junk every time I visit; I hate eating the same old gumpf I can buy on the high street.

Too many seats at the restaurants are outside, and with the rather grim weather that often accompanies your visit, you will be lucky to find a seat.

Snack-wise, drinks are extortionately priced in vending machines dotted around the park. The selection of food elsewhere is rather uninspiring compared to other parks of its size ranging from greasy doughnuts to slimy hot dogs.

Alton Towers relies too heavily on rides. Shows range from the absolutely catastrophic Barney show and, until last year, a rather weak Peter Rabbit on Ice show on ice which was poorly choreographed and has mistake-a-plenty with skaters often making falling on their backsides something of an art form. A new show is due later this year.

There is no parade at Alton Towers, and I haven’t seen a costumed character for the past two years despite visiting more times than you can count on one hand. This highlights how little character the park actually has.

Music at the park is good but patchy, being well used on rides like Hex and Air, poorly used from area to area.

Alton Towers takes theme park mentality to absolute ridiculous extremes, surpassing that of even Six Flags. Staff generally are robotic and have the charisma of androids and enforce procedure that curbs your enjoyment but not theirs.

For example, never can you enjoy a ride twice in succession without walking the overly long queues. This is, apparently, because it is procedure. Of course, staff happily chew gum as they tell you this – and I have been known to ride Hex opposite a couple of employees in uniform sitting sideways with their feet on the bench before – of course, they’re happy to ignore procedure if it doesn’t curtail their enjoyment.

Cleanliness isn’t Alton Towers’ middle name. The area around McDonalds in Forbidden Valley is nothing short of a disgrace. The park is looking rather poorly maintained with the majority of rides needing a thorough clean up and have been begging for a paintjob for the last three years.

The day starts off with rubbish littering the Nemesis queue, cigarette butts and chewing gum literally piled up at the entrance to the station. Vandalism frequents with holes torn in the side of the station and graffiti completely festooning the Air queue on a scale I have never encountered at a theme park before.

Queues are generally boring, open to the elements and are dirty. Much of your time will be spent with the company of smoking 15-year-olds, spitting continuously and graffiting on anything that stands still. Such vandalism is hardly discouraged it seems where no effort has been made to clean up after these delinquents.

A day at Alton Towers will unfortunately involve ungodly amounts of queuing unless you visit at an extreme end of the season. Virtual Queuing is a mess if ever I saw one. Air seems to be the only ride that uses VQ with any form of regularity with tickets running out by 11.30 and the VQ itself being 45 minutes long.

For £5, you can choose to have your mobile phone bombarded with queue times and use it as a virtual queue ticket itself. Queue times are posted around the park near the Towers and in Forbidden Valley. Generally, these are absolutely useless and give a completely inaccurate estimation as to how long the queues are in actuality.

Alton Towers has a great selection of rides, if poorly placed. Thrill seekers will be in their element on rides like Nemesis and Oblivion, children will enjoy Adventure Land and Toyland Tours, where-as families will be in love with rides such as the Congo River Rapids and Runaway Mine Train.

The problem is, white knuckle rides are clustered together, family rides form whole areas – this will split your group up in the truest sense – Air, for example, is probably a 15-20 minute walk away from a substitute ride for those without the nerve to go on.

That said, with newer rides like Air and Nemesis, pathways are beautifully incorporated into the coaster meaning that non-riders will probably be satisfied with watching others have fun.

Generally, despite being steeped in history, Alton Towers is a very modern park with a great portfolio of rides. Most coasters are modern and exhaustively use available technology. Most support rides are new, and dark rides range from middling to great.

It is on support rides that the park lacks. Ripsaw is run on frustratingly tedious programs whilst Submission is probably one of the worst rides in the park. Dynamo, a Huss Breakdance is hardly used to its full potential and hidden away behind its own control room.

Alton Towers excels itself with rides, but on all the other fundamental elements of a theme park fails dismally. Without looking through rose-tinted glasses, it is clear that Alton Towers care more about emptying your wallet in the most gratuitous manner possible, not by delivering wholesome entertainment.

Alton Towers is as much a business as any other company, but on the other side of the coin it is as much a business as any other theme park.

As coaster enthusiasts, it is easy to forget that a theme park incorporates many elements such as food, shows and entertainment to offer a complete day out. Alton Towers, too, have forgotten this.

Marcus Sheen